New Year’s Resolution

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Postcard - Copyright 1907

I have made the exact same New Year’s resolution for the last 55 years straight, and I have kept that resolution each and every year. How did I do it? It’s easy. My resolution has always been, “Never make a New Year’s resolution.” I figure, why resolve to do something, to better myself, or try to accomplish anything that I know I may not be able to accomplish or may never come to pass. According to Wikipedia, only about a 12% actually keep their resolution anyway. I have a 100% success rate with my non-resolution resolution, so why risk breaking the winning streak now.

On my first day back at work each New Year, everyone who has actually made a New Year’s resolution always asks about my New Year’s resolution too. I doubt they could care less about what I have resolved to do or not do, but they cannot wait to talk about their own resolution. “Same one I made last year,” is my standard answer. “My New Year’s resolution is… to not make a New Year’s resolution.” 88% of those who hear my flippant response will eventually break their own resolution.

This year has been a year of firsts for me, and as such, I am about to publicly announce my noble intentions of making a genuine New Year’s resolution for the first time ever in my entire life. “But why now?” you ask. Simply put, I am getting older, fatter, and dumber every year that I do not resolve myself to be something better. I am a trifecta just waiting to happen. OK, the older part I cannot do anything about, but the fatter and dumber I can work on.

So, here goes…

My New Year’s resolution for 2011 is … <drum roll> … to not get any fatter or dumber.

I cannot wait to go back to work on Monday and for someone to ask me what my New Year’s resolution is.

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